I recently read on this blog (http://aliedwards.com/2013/12/one-little-word-2014.html) of a wonderful idea where every year you pick a word and you use it, everyday. You reflect on it, it inspires you, it helps you, it helps others, etc whatever the case may be for you. Although its March its not toooo late in the game to start this neat little project. The word I chose for this year is.. Bold. To be bold . The definition of bold according to google is, showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous. I chose this word for a couple of reasons.
I have this really bad problem where I get so scared I freeze. I admit most days I am afraid to be bold. I don’t know if i’ve always been like this (lack of memory due to repressed feelings/thoughts .. don’t even get me started) or if this is something that has sort of built up over the years. I suppose fear of failure keeps me in the shallow end of life. I really don’t know what happened but somehow along the way I got lost and caught up in what people think of me. Lack of confidence (although I hate to admit it), and letting more people bring me down than up has kept me hidden, always in the safe zone. I rather be in the back of the class where no one can see me, invisible. I rather have no attention than negative attention… and I have had more negative attention than I would have liked. I have been picked on all my life. I have been beaten dragged down by people I thought cared about me. I have had my flaws and mistakes on billboards, painted in the sky for the world to see (okay maybe just Houston) but that was my world, for me it was the world. But lets stay on topic. I have a problem of being too afraid to be bold and jump, and take that leap of faith.. to reach the other side. Its not that I half ass everything.. I just play it safe. I don’t fully let go. For anything. Not for dance.. I didn’t fully let go for fear of.. looking dumb. Not for school.. I never applied to any colleges because the application process was just too scary and overwhelming for me. What a coward huh? Not for work.. There are some things I long to do but yet I am too afraid to do it. Every aspect of my life I do 99% because I am too afraid to do that last 1% and reach fulfillment.. complete satisfaction. I get nervous and get anxious, freak out and just freeze. Even with my relationship with God. Forgive me, but there have been times where I have even been too scared to shout Jesus’s name out loud. For fear of others tearing down what i believe in. I try to hold on so tightly to what I know and feel safe with.. I hold on to it with my life. But now it is costing my life. I am tired of being on this side of the cliff when everything I want is just a jump away.. a leap away. I just have to be bold enough to take the risk of failing.. “because even when you fail while jumping to the other side… you’re not really failing.. you’re just on this giant trampoline down there and if you keep on diving head first.. keep leaping.. you will come out on the other side. The side you want to be on. The only way you fail…” says Hayden, “.. is if you don’t jump at all.” Because I’m not really living life right? If im not taking risks and being bold.. Im just.. existing. And granted, we will fail. It’s life. Its expected. But there is no greater failure than taking no risks. I suppose me being bold starts with this WordPress. I have always loved writing and reading and have been doing it all my life. Not always online mostly just in journals and notebooks and scattered stories to real life scenarios or thoughts. I really loved English class. But anyways, I guess I am starting here… but not ending here. This is just the first page.. with writing more, and being more open. Letting myself slowly open up to you all, sharing my thoughts and experiences with y’all as I walk through life. This time around though, I have Jesus by my side.. guiding me along the way.
“where feet may fail and fear surounds me .. so i will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves.”