It's been about four months since I've written anything on here.. so much has happened i don't even know where to begin. I guess I've been waiting to write something until my life has settled, but what I'm starting to realize is that maybe life never really does settle.
Hayden and I moved back from Boston to Houston in August. He graduated from Berklee College of Music! We spoke about where to move to after he graduated for awhile and we decided the best option was for us to move back to Houston.. for now anyway.
To be completely honest, coming back to Houston has been extremely hard. Houston (or what i associated with what Houston was; really just Sugar Land) is sort of where I left all my disappointments. Actually, thinking about it now, I left a lot of things here that I never really learned to deal with. I sort of just dropped everything here and ran away to Boston, forgetting my problems and leaving them in the dust of Houston. I really never thought I would be back.
But during this last year in Boston, something was sitting heavy on my heart telling me to go back to Houston because there were things here I needed to address.. with myself. And I was right.
Hayden & I and Gordy drove all the way back from Boston in a Penske truck filled with all of our belongings from the past 3-4 years. It was the most wonderful road trip I have ever taken.. despite how awful it might sound. The whole time we drove all we did was talk.. talk about life, art, politics, beauty, God, and the whole world around us. It was a great closure and good time we needed before we actually hit Houston. I don't know about Hayden but i definitely needed that road trip.. i needed time to muster up some courage to return to the place where I associated everything bad that ever happened to me.
Since returning to Houston, it's been extremely difficult to adjust. Coming from living with my boyfriend and my bby pup Gordy to living with my parents again is a stark contrast to say the least. We are still in the process of looking for an apartment (although I think we just found the one!). I guess in my head I thought transitioning would be a lot more easy and glamorous, I didn't think so many mixed feelings would come with it.
In Boston I was used to doing real estate part time and doing my photography full time. In Houston, I needed to get a job.. and I didn't necessarily want to transfer my real estate license here because it’s basically a completely different job altogether. (And its not what I want my career to be anyhow.) In Boston, I was finally getting recognition for all my hard work in photography and I was starting to build a reputation. But in Houston, no one knows or cares about my photography.
I got in a really bad funk during all of this. I found a good paying job as a leasing professional, and I do enjoy it. But it felt like I was giving up on my other dreams. I started to reconsider photography because I didn't want a job that was superficial. I "quit" Instagram so to speak... I still have it, I just deleted it off of my iPhone screen so Im not tempted to go back on it for awhile. I won't get into that on this post, because I have way too much to say about it, but It was starting to conflict with certain views I was realizing.
I am coming around though. For starters I am realizing Houston is completely different than Sugar Land (lol). Its amazing seeing all the different parts of Houston I didn't even know existed. I am slowing getting back into photography. I am slowly starting to write again. And I think I decided I want to go back to school for psychology.
I guess what I've been realizing is, life is ongoing and forever changing. There is no "perfect" state of life.. and your life will never always be put together like you once dreamed it. We have to embrace change and all the unknown and imperfections that come with it. I was afraid to not have everything put together in Houston because I was afraid of what people would think of me, of us. I was afraid they would all think I am a failure or that I didn't make it. But who are "they"? And who are they to judge anyway?
I don't regret going to Boston, in fact I cherish it. And I don't regret coming back to Houston because I know God put it in my heart to come back here for a reason and slowly i am starting to understand. There are things here that I need to see, and uncover and understand.
Sometimes I get tied up in what other people will make of my life and I think a lot of that is because I am always critiquing my life and am so hard on myself. I hold myself to an impossible standard that I don't hold anyone else to. I had this idea in my head that I would write all my posts with accomplishments like, "Hayden and I just moved back from Houston and bought a house!" Or "We just moved back and I am living out my dream job!!" Or i don't even know what. But the point is I think we all want to put our accomplishments first, and we want the world to see we have our life together. But.. we don't. And thats more real and relatable than anything else, isn't it?
So no, I don't have my life together.. maybe I thought I did, but life will always throw you curve balls. This is just my ongoing life.. filled with small steps, U-turns, detours and journeys to get to my destination.